I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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