it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
time to smoke my breakfast
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
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he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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