im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
