Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
