Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
