Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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