addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
