I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
my poor anus
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
