I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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