Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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