The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
