I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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