she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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