yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
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I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
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At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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