Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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