mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
