i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
my liver is dry heaving
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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