My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
