My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
