Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
