Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
