Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
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Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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