i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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