I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
