I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I love having hate sex.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
