I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i think i just lost a toe
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
