Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
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Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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