I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
