I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
