I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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