Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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