I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
