I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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