I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
