Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
