I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
