I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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