when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
