I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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