You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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