my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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