dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think i have herpe
just one?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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