I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
