i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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