So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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