Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
