M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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