happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
