You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
