Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
