my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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