Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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