he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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