Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Congratulations! We have a period
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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