Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
