the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
