piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Randomize
