I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
