I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
