Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
